I hate myself……

Love is seriously messing me up…..

Ever since I’ve come in terms with my feelings earlier, I’m feeling even more confused than before. I think I’m also getting quite a lot of negative feelings as well, mostly because of jealousy,I guess, which kinda makes me do really stupid things.

In fact, I’m actually back at my hometown right now, and I’m resenting every moment of it, as I can’t see her (plus of course, I’m under a load of ‘lecturing’ by my parents :P). Now I know, firsthand, on why love can be such a powerful driving force.

Sad to say, consequently, I’m not watching anime nor even interested in doing other stuff(like blogging), other than to find ways to spend time with her _|-|0”’. My superego and id are seriously clashing with each other on stupid things like, whether should I learn pool or not (since she has a serious preoccupation with it now) to installing Yahoo! Messenger (FYI, I’ve hated using official IM clients as they’re too feature bloated) just to use some extra features.

I’ve tried to do other stuff actually, like watching movies or reading books, to try and distract myself from thinking about her, but everything that I do… somehow my brain manages to connect it back to her and now, I’m actually writing all this out on my blog, haha.

Conciously, I somewhat do realise that this is a stage I might grow out from, and that I might love another one later, but this is the first time in my life, I’ve seriously having this feelings. I’m really sorry to the readers of my blog, expecting witty write-ups(yeah, right) and reviews on anime, as this blog is meant to be, instead, getting stupid and inane ramblings about an immature 18-yr old rambling about his first love :P, but I assure you, I *will* try to keep this blog back on track ;), especially(and hopefully) when the Spring Season goes on full swing.

8 Comments

  1. Syaoran Li Said,

    March 26, 2006 @ 7:16 am

    Don’t worry; love makes us do a lot of things without meaning…

    And you see, always, always the first love is hard to take, especially when your feelings are deep enough for her. I fall in love for the first time three years ago, when I was 19. Sure, at the beginning I belong only to her, every day, every action, every trough, every step was for her. Don’t blame yourself for not being able to sympathize with your feelings, nobody is perfect you know… try your best, but don’t fool yourself; don’t try to be someone you don’t.

    Take it easy, no matter if your blog is about anime, every time you feel uneasy with something, let it out. You never know what could happen.

    I hate myself once for the same reason, but later I realize I was wrong with that way of think.

    Enjoy everything by her side. See you.

  2. ayyo Said,

    March 26, 2006 @ 9:10 am

    Ooo, first love at 18, must be scary. My first one was at 9 with the whole package like giving candy, flower, promising to marry when I grow up, etc, gahh so shameful XD haha

    My advice so you don’t look like or be an over obessive stalker like guy, is stop thinking so much. Don’t have so much monologues with yourself like for example, posting this stuff. Which leads to my best advice I can give, don’t ask for love advice over ‘teh intarnet’. It doesn’t matter if the person giving is the true expert of love, the best advice on love is *from your friends and family*, defiantely. Confused, bewildered, or wanting to cut yourself or somone else, talk with someone substantial. Don’t keep all these :) feelings inside yourself, others might know you better than you know yourself when you’re in that period when you’re randomly humming 80s love songs yet you’re not official when that person.

    Anyway, good luck on your first love, maybe it is your true love, never know!

  3. Syaoran Li Said,

    March 26, 2006 @ 10:42 am

    Indeed ayyo was right

    At least I think you feel a bit better after writing this, don’t you?
    Anyway, see for yourself and live with it.

    In the end, sometimes is better follow the flu (sorry if I wrote it wrong)

  4. Kurogane Shiroikaze Said,

    March 26, 2006 @ 10:55 am

    Really, thanks for the support guys. To be honest, I wrote this out as an outlet for my frustration, never did once I wanted advice actually. It’s just that sometimes, my feelings really feel like overflowing out…..

    Don’t worry, I won’t degenerate in a stalker type (hopefully). My superego is still strong enough to stop me from doing that. Besides, I hate people like those, I am quite the feminist :)

    Oh and Syaoran… how did you know I’m coming down with a flu, haha XD. It’s actually “flow”, though :).

  5. Syaoran Li Said,

    March 26, 2006 @ 11:54 am

    Arigatou… and gomen…
    My English need to be polished

    Thats why I read a lot of fanfics, to help my vocabulary, but my mind is too lazy when it comes to write it. Oh well, this is out of the question.

    You said it well; nobody likes a stalker (old days, old stories). And don’t worry; when I was your age, I did the same thing…

    Take care of that flu (I knew it was flow).

  6. Tess Said,

    March 26, 2006 @ 1:36 pm

    Hehe. First love. I remember my first was at 14. Now I’m just almost 17…

    At least you know you’ll have more luck than me! My first love was just weird. And now my new boyfriend of just less than a week is super screwed up. Apparently he slept with his old girlfriend last night.Hehe… I bet he was drugged and drunk. *sigh* Sorry for the dramatic weirdness, just had to get that off my chest. He wont talk to me. =__=; What’s wrong with me, I’ve never even kissed anyone!

    But yeah~! Good luck! I always read your blog entries~

    *Shows off poor kanji skills*

    クロガネ様、いつもあこがれていますわ! ガンバー!

  7. Codezeromind Said,

    March 27, 2006 @ 2:53 am

    dont worry about blogging and watching anime. there are things more valuable in life than anime. things in reality > anime.
    Love is a complicated thing so do your best and be yourself
    things never to do is become a stalker and make her feel in some way she owes you

    good luck and hope things turn out alright

  8. T_I Said,

    March 30, 2006 @ 11:34 am

    I hate it when this happens

    Why? because can never give a good advice on this.. If only you were identical to me.

    Well, I guess I can try again..

    You only live ONCE.. remember that.. (unless you believe in reincarnation, but that’s another story)

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